Saturday, December 15, 2012


I know it is not 12/12/12 anymore, but that day merits its own post at the very least, as do the few days since.

This is a day that will only happen once in history - in more ways than one. On December 12th, 2012, I drove a mere half hour to meet up with a wonderful individual for the first time. I already knew she was great before we met, but our first date was absolutely lovely.

Considering this "date" consisted of walking a few blocks to Starbucks (where we ordered the exact same drink by chance) and sitting and talking for a while, then sitting and talking in her room some more (sans sorority-girl-roommate), that's quite something.

Ordinarily, I find it extremely challenging, if not even a bit painful, to make regular conversation with people. I am not a small-talk kind of person. Hell, I'm usually not an any-kind-of-talk kind of person. But it's so easy talking to her. It felt so natural.

This is where I admit I met her online. How can someone possibly "click" with somebody he met online? Sure, we Skype'd once, but that's it - online chat and texting. And yet, I still felt it - still felt that click and that connection within only a few minutes of starting to talk to her (she started it).

I think it's still sinking in. But it happened. The last few things we said to each other before I left to meet her had to do with how nervous we both were. When I arrived, I said "I'm outside - the red SUV." She came out a few minutes later and said "Hi. I'm really nervous." It sounds corny, but having that in common right off the bat meant a lot.

I can't deal with over-confident people. Sure, I admire them and all, but I can't deal with them. I am so glad, therefore, that she is not a super-confident, outgoing socialite kind of person. She's quiet, unassuming, modest, reserved, and exactly what and whom I need.

I can't explain why I liked her so much, nor can I explain why after only one time together we fell for each other. Nobody can explain that. Even NT people don't get it. No one understands attraction. Sure, it has to do with chemicals in the brain and signals sent and triggered and received, but as much as I trust in science to resolve life's mysteries, I firmly believe that love cannot be quantified and as such am giving this no further thought.

Yes, we are together. I have a girlfriend. The novelty of saying that has yet to wear off, and even when it does, it'll still keep me going.

My whole life came crashing down in the last couple of weeks, and she found me at exactly the right time. It's uncanny. She was initially attracted to my honesty and how genuine I appeared (and, in fact, am), which is flattering in and of itself. But now we've found we have so much more in common than that. It's an amazing feeling.

And yet, I find it difficult to describe what I see in her. All I know is that I see a lot. She's been through a whole bunch of unfair shit, just like I have, so we bond over that. But even though her self-confidence could use some work, she still carries on being herself, and I can't begin to say how much I admire that.

My self-confidence is still kind of low, but boy it's improving fast. Knowing how she feels about me and how she loves me for who I am really helps.

So she's not into computers or music like I am. Big deal. She says her photography is terrible compared to mine. She wrote poems but doesn't have them to show me. She might see herself as not being particularly good at anything, but all I see is a fascinatingly creative mind who hasn't found just the right outlet yet.

I could never date someone too similar to myself. Everyone says that...because it's true. We're both incredibly shy, quiet, and generally "average-seeming" people, the latter of which is something we both do, consciously or not, to "fit in." But our shyness manifests itself in different ways. When I get nervous, I talk a lot. A whole lot. And I say things that maybe aren't the best things to say, like "I'm afraid my parents might find you unremarkable." That was a terrible choice of words, wasn't it? Like, who the hell says that? But when I don't know how to deal with my feelings, I panic, and shit like that comes out.

I am actually afraid my dad won't like her. But who cares? He doesn't like anybody. I'm just terrified of him saying something like "You can do better," because not only is that terribly hurtful to her, it would be an awful insult to me. Right now, I can't do better. I don't think there is anyone better out there.

I spent a long time as of late thinking about what I need and what I want, specifically in a person. I didn't reach a conclusion. Not even close. But I knew what I didn't want. She's none of those things, that's for sure. She's also not perfect, which is the best thing about her. She has so many flaws with which I identify and problems I face as well.

If anything, we're going to deal with them together and make each other happy in the process. People help people because people need people, and I need her. Realizing that gives me chills. I thought I'd be alone for this entire semester off, but now I have her, and she's perfect for me. She's not a distraction from my problems, she's a solution. She's everything I've wanted for a really long time.

We're both the kind of person who doesn't like leaning too hard on others. That's great, because I don't want her to think I'm relying on her to "fix" me, since I'm not, nor do I want her to think I'm with her solely to help her with her own problems. What's the point of that? I'm not a damn therapist. But if she needs to rant about the shit in her life, I will sit and listen for hours. I want to be whatever she needs and fill the voids in her life, because I know she'd do the same for me.

I almost feel bad saying things like "she's not perfect" and talking about her shortcomings, but rest assured, the list of things wrong with me is likely longer. And you know what? It doesn't fucking matter. She's right for me. So she has issues. She isn't "damaged." She's not crazy. She's not a sociopath. She doesn't say things like "I don't deserve to be happy." In other words, she's not the last person I tried to date. God she's so much better. She's wonderful in every way.

Together, though, our issues will cancel out. So we're both really shy and kind of anti-social? Great! We know we'll never fight about going to a party or something like that. Neither of us has many friends? Cool, no awkward hanging-out with people the other party doesn't really know. We're both lonely and sad a lot? Perfectly fine - in fact, great - let's be together and happy instead!

I really like the way my life is going and the path I'm on right now. I love you, Olivia. Let's walk that path together.

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